Fear

I'm tired. I'm think I'm tired because I'm always afraid and being afraid while appearing indifferent takes even more energy than just riding the wave of afraid. I'm very good at it but it still takes energy. BS has got me thinking which I appreciate, trying to identify the common themes between emotions of my formative years and my present malcontent. I feel I am skirting the edges of yet another epiphany. Not sure the newest epiphany, when it comes, will be worth anything, i.e. bring about a dramatic change in the way I move about life but I do think BS might be on to something. I've understood that my upbringing has made me who I am, it has made everyone who they are to some extent. But for all my introspection, moody self-absorbed posting, and confidence in my sometimes painful self-awareness, I think I'm finally getting a new way to consider old problems. I won't be cured of being me but I may make better decisions if I better understood the push-pull anxiety and emptiness of the jobs I've chosen and their relationship to the dynamic between my father and I growing up. I don't think it will drive me to seek a new career, rather, my hope is to approach the work with a lighter hand, heart, and mind. I love to daydream of a career in writing but a good statistician would tell you I'm more likely to work to a pensioner's age and if I'm lucky, live off my savings until life takes its natural course. I will remain famous in very small circles for things I did when I was 2, for the fender bender I had when I was 18, for 101 stupid things I've said or done in the presence of witnesses, and for several less than 101 nice things I did for friends or strangers. I'm happy I will leave this earth one day with a prominent 2 inch scar on my bicep; courtesy of the dog, a strange bump on my right thumb, suggestive of a past mangling; courtesy of a dog, a series of small burn scars on my right arm; one from a ridiculous straightening comb incident, the other from a spent M-16 shell casing, and all other manner of evidence of good stories in the roughs and tumbles of living.