BS

Had my second session today with Mr. BS. He was again wearing a blue sweater. So there you have it, the name stays. That he again wore a blue sweater amused me greatly. If he's wearing it again next week, well, I'll probably have to say something about it. To him. He flutters his eyes rapidly when he talks at times. It reminds me of the arm of disk drive rapidly reading across the disk. I think also that he had a sleepy moment and I think I'll have to ask him next time if he ever gets bored of hearing the same things over and over again. For my part, I did try to stay away from the 'I think I don't love myself because I didn't get enough stuffed animals growing up' kind of discussions though he did try to go there. I told him that we could spend a lot of time there and what I really needed was some quick wins, some action I could be accountable to him for that would put some pressure on me to actually keep commitments to myself. I know he wants to explore why I can't keep commitments to myself and don't like making them to others. That may be interesting to discuss at some point but it doesn't get the laundry done or get me to the gym. I'm not sure where this is going but I like that we both agree that we can use therapy as a tool to create some measure of accountability; first to him and then to me once/if some momentum is built for good habits I'd like to have in my life.

A part of me feels good because I feel like I'm always trying to be better than I am. I'm trying. To borrow a gag-inducing total quality management (TQM) term, I'm in a continuous improvement phase. A tiny part of me wonders if it will ever be okay to just be.

We shall see.