Monday, January 26, 2009

Nice Nasty

Toilet  Pictures, Images and Photosphoto by ctjac @ photobucket.com

Nice Nasty is a term that essentially means that you think your poop doesn't stink. Or there is some incongruity between the things you turn your nose up at and the things you do. For example, most girls don't sit on public toilet seats, and perhaps not any seats that aren't their own. I don't have that problem (anymore). For one, I'm not as fit and my knees don't tolerate squatting like they used to but really the turning point for me was my deployment in Kuwait. For a place I didn't spend all that much time relative to other places I've lived and worked, it changed me. On base, the bathrooms were trailers and the toilets so delicate that no feminine products of any type could be flushed. The trailers had both toilets and showers and were not air conditioned so you can probably try but trust me, your imagination could not conjure the smell. One of my favorite memories is of one of the girls remarking, "You can't get that smell in (insert wherever she was from)!"

Off base, it was like a toilet-themed video game where you had to first find one, and then decide if you were going to use it, and then try to figure out the mechanics on not peeing on your clothing while squatting and trying not to touch anything. Then, if there was a flush, you had to figure out what direction the water was going to come from so you didn't get sprayed across your feet or pant hem with questionable water with notes of whatever was contained in the extra water all over the rest of the floor. Going to a western establishment wasn't a sure thing either. In the big mall there, I went stall to stall, finding all the seats wet and decided finally to just go in one and clean it up. A woman who turned out to be an attendant, burst in on me and handed me a fist full of toilet paper. I used all the paper to clean the seat, sat down and then discovered that there was no toilet paper, not even a holder because native women used the hose behind the toilet to cleanse, hence the line of stalls with wet seats. Lovely.

There are a lot more bathroom related horrors from my time in Kuwait and other locales but Kuwait is when I finally conceded that I wash my ass every day and so long as the toilet seat appears clean and is dry, I should be able to use it without the quad workout. I don't like warm seats or walking in on the remnants of a big job but I'm otherwise pretty easy going. I don't need the tissue seat unless I'm testing to ensure the seat is dry if I can't quite discern if it's dry (it so sucks to be wrong about that). There are still squat worthy places but they are now the exception instead of the rule and I'm generally less spastic about the asses I don't know than the ones I do.

Which brings me to the inspiration for this post. My dog walker has been using my toilet and it flat out freaks me out. I have to bleach the seat before I'll use it and I feel kind of violated and a little pissed. I don't want to touch anything in my bathroom and I imagine her reading my Obama issue Rolling Stone and petting my dog while she drops a deuce. It freaks me out. It is not cool to know exactly who the other asses belong to that you share seats with. I can stroll into a public toilet, choose an empty stall and for the next 2 minutes, pretend that I'm the only one who uses it. Not so when you come home, notice the bathroom door slightly off, the seat down, and the toilet paper moved. WHAT DID SHE DO IN THERE? WHY IS THE SEAT DOWN? DID IT NEED TO BE CONTAINED? HOW MUCH PAPER DID SHE USE? HOLY CRAP, THAT'S A LOT! AHHHHH! JESUS CHRIST, WHY?! DID SHE WASH HER HANDS? DID SHE USE MY HAND TOWEL?

Now mind you, my house is near intervention cluttered bordering on filthy, but I just want to light a match and walk away. I don't even want to walk on the bathroom floor.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is Nice Nasty.

1 comment:

Good-Grace said...

dropping a deuce.

I swear, this entire story line is quality work. Tina Fey kind of work, girl!!

Which brings me to this... you should write an episode of "30 Rock". Seriously.