Friday, December 12, 2008

Lost and Found; advice for Oprah

It has been a horribly wasted night. I've discovered that I have limited cable, emphasis on limited. Among the entertainment options I had was some second chance to be famous for being a total f-up show on Vh1 with the ladies from Rock of Love. As I watched some random chick get eliminated, her exit monologue cued up, and she mentioned something about finding herself. I was flipping between that and King of the Hill and thinking, there's nothing to find. Not for her, not for me. There is no epiphany that holds the answer, there is no truth to uncover that makes it easier to get up in the morning, or makes pain hurt less, or love last or come at all. At the end, beginning, and middle of the day, something actually has to be done. Decisions are made, outcomes follow, and a new set of decisions are made. If I want different outcomes, I have to make different decisions. I already know that makes a difference in a day but struggle with whatever it is that makes it hard to string those days together. I consider this life to be an addiction, if nothing else, of habit. Change is hard. Keeping myself out of the quicksand is hard. Oprah, who I'm sure works terribly hard, has such tremendous access to resources that we could all stand back and say, there's no reason she should ever be a pound heavier than she wants to be. But she struggles because change is hard. She struggles against herself. I personally don't care what she weighs but she does and that's all it takes in her world to be unhappy with herself. Her lack of control in that one small area of her life. That defines her. She is generous, has a show, magazine, God knows what else but we keep coming back to the weight.

Thinking about Oprah's struggles, and the woman with pink hair extensions who looked rode hard and put up wet leaving a show people only watch to feel better about themselves, I really questioned the value of "finding" yourself. What fuels this desire for self dissection as if looking at the heart will teach us about love? If there are things in my life that I think cause me some degree of heartache or strife then I need to see if I can do something about it instead of turning the problem around in my hands and figuring out how to describe it. It reminds me of an earlier comment I left for myself (yes, I'm still doing that and yes, I know that is a little sad), regarding my tendency to build a watch to tell the time. Perhaps I use introspection as another way to put off doing something about the things that trouble me. Maybe there is some value in thinking through the 'why' but I think too much self-awareness can be crippling. Is it important that I know why I don't seek available men when I could just say yes to the next random dude that pursues me? Should I explore my 'daddy' issues as they relate to my drive to achieve, fear of failure, and need for acceptance or just accept that everyone is carrying some sort of parental baggage and stop trying figure out ways to unpack and repack it? I went to a Kundalini yoga class a few weeks ago and the instructor asked if all strife could not be reduced to some struggle against ourselves, something other than what we are, that we think we should be or do. I won't do the sentiment justice here but it resonates with me still. The thought of moving forward, having goals, absent despair about where I am now is potentially life changing.

So Oprah, I know you skim the web looking for small blogs actively read by three people to gain insights and advice so I just want to encourage you to abandon your shame about your weight as you are so much more than that. Anyone who really cares how much you weigh needs better hobbies. You've accomplished so much, I wish you success not in losing weight but in shedding the voices that won't allow you happiness as you are now.


Kill Tandon aka Castron Dillon aka Roya Roya said...

"If there are things in my life that I think cause me some degree of heartache or strife then I need to see if I can do something about it instead of turning the problem around in my hands and figuring out how to describe it." I think that you need to know what it is before you can destroy it. Introspection, Identification, Action.

Keep at it. Keep fighting. Fight against the things within yourself that you hate. Fight to destroy them. And in doing so, you will gain more insight about yourself and everyone and everything around you. You have the ability to take an unflinching look into yourself, to stare down the barrel of your own weakness. I believe that this is a gift. You can turn that unflinching eye onto the world around you, allowing you to sift through the extraneous matter that is heaped on everything out here and see the truth.

So continue to fight. You may feel overwhelmed or lonely sometimes, but hell, you can fight that too. If you keep fighting, I will too.

IP said...

You delight me KT aka CD aka RR. I'm not sure which of us is right, assuming that there is a right or wrong way to approach change but I value your comments either way. Part of the reason I suspect it is futile to rage against oneself is that it is _so_ exhausting. It reminds me of the two minute drill I went through being attacked on all sides as an object lesson on why we were being taught defensive tactics--to fight smarter, not harder. That object lesson also informs my flirtation with therapy. I wonder if a professional might teach me more efficient ways to accomplish the same objective. So my aim is not to destroy but to subdue, to overcome, to redirect because like matter, who I am can neither be created, nor destroyed. I can only seek different states.