Stories Chapter 2: Jonathan

Jonathan approached me today while I was out walking my dog. Jonathan is homeless with a self-reported "history of addiction" and he walked with me for a half hour this morning, finally leaving, mumbling and cursing a little after I gently told him that it would be disrespectful to my boyfriend if I were to go on a date with him that afternoon at 4 o'clock. At first he understood but then he came back at me explaining that if he had a daughter who was dating someone who had not "put a ring on her finger," then she would be free to see anyone she wanted until her boyfriend committed to her. Then he provided another scenario wherein my boyfriend comes to me after I've wasted 5 years of my life with him and tells me he met someone else--another reason why I should forget the boyfriend and come on a date with him.

I saw another dog in the area and went to say hello as he had a large out of control yellow lab and I was looking to shake Jonathan so I could go home without him accompanying me there. Now, I know I'm a little worse for wear in the morning and I'm certainly not dressed to impress but I think this a-hole thought we were together and abruptly announced that he had to leave and left me with Jonathan. The more I think about it, the more pissed I become. It gets worse every time I think about it. There's no assumption that he could have made that I wouldn't take exception to. Jonathan and I together, trying to scam him or ask him for money; pissed. Me hopelessly trying to shake a strange man and him not wanting to get involved; unacceptable and I'm pissed. I want to buy and sell the bastard for assuming that we were together. I want to buy new clothes so Jonathan doesn't think I'd be interested in where to get free coffee (and possibly free doughnuts) on Saturdays at 8 am (AA meeting). I don't take it personally if Jonathan thought I was homeless--I actually don't think he did, he was a little addled, he asked my name several times (of course I didn't give him a real name) and was in a disjointed stream of consciousness mode our entire walk. He was very unhappy with my boyfriend's lack of commitment, alternately loved animals and then talked about killing them, and just unpredictable enough to be slightly worrisome.

To her great credit and innate intelligence my wonder dog remained vaguely sinister, providing Jonathan no clues as to whether she would bite him or lean into him for some loving. I'm convinced she knew I was ill at ease. At one point during our walk, Jonathan complimented my teeth. Weird (and a first) but it lends support to my theory that perhaps he was trying to hook up with the new homeless girl. I thought what I was wearing was practical if unflattering but my jokes about how I look in the morning are quite ironic in light of today's events.

Stories: Chapter 1

After years of telling these stories to my friends, I'm going to attempt to convey them here. These stories are the vignettes of my "dating" life that serve to both illustrate my stunning ability to draw strange men and explain my persistently single status. We'll warm up with Metro (I give all my guys names).

I met Metro at the final stop of the train I was taking home from a night out. He worked at the station and started talking to me as I was walking out to my car. I try always to be at least courteous to strange men as I don't want to provoke them by being rude. Then he told me that I looked like I used to work out.

I know. I didn't know what to do with that either. Just to be sure I didn't misunderstand him, he pointed out that all I really needed was to tighten up my stomach. To be fair, he said he needed to do the same thing. I was simply stunned. The thought bubble over my head would have read, "has that ever worked for you? telling a girl she's fat and then helpfully suggesting which areas she should concentrate on?" But it was true and I was stunned/intrigued by a guy who would do that and then ask for my number. Plus, as further stories will illustrate, these are all strange men and it's quicker to give them a number than it is to argue or discuss not giving them my number. He did call a few times but I never saw him again. I'm sure he's somewhere, doing crunches, perhaps with the love of his life holding his feet down and sucking in her gut.