After the fire

So I had fun with the two folks who showed up and was determined that I would not betray my disappointment over the paltry attendance to those who had made the difficult trek. I tried to take some of the sting out of their long, difficult drive and the lack of attendance by taking them out to dinner at a wonderful, authentic Cuban place. In classic fashion, we're almost there and the road that we must take to get there is closed, so I drove them 25 minutes out of the way to have us ending up at a chain pizza place. IBC did not make it and today is a lingering sadness over that and the sodas, beer, food, and other things that won't be used and that I now have to get rid of. I know I need to make the choice to move on, and I will, but I want to stew in this steamy funk for just a while longer. This is why I don't have people over. I don't think I'll do that again. It's fine when your worst-case scenario plays out and it truly wasn't the end of the world that people just didn't want to come. But I know myself well enough that this is not the sort of thing I want to happen again because it's not good for my mental health and growth. So I have thrown my first and last party. So sorry you missed it.

Bad party aside, the two folks who showed up, I really enjoyed talking with. They are great people and what scares me about the wonderful single people I'm meeting is that they are single. I don't understand how someone has not scooped them up. We're all bastions of imperfection and incompleteness, but they are well over the halfway mark of just plain great. What hope have I when these great people are out there floating unattached?

The movers come this week. I need to pack and figure out what goes into storage and start filling the car with stuff for Goodwill. I have a permanent knot of anxiety in my stomach. It's been great for my appetite so at least there's the silver lining of a 3-5 pound head start on a larger weight-loss goal. Count on a girl to see it that way.

An ideal day

Some brief highlights (as I am tired) on my ideal day. First, mission accomplished. It was a good day. I was remembered and celebrated and surprised and delighted. The fire sale is on--it will be a very modest showing, not unlike the readership of this blog. Two, perhaps three folks will show up. It will hopefully be a decent time for everyone but it would be better with more energy to feed from. IBC may or may not show and he's being a bit weird. I don't like when I'm not able to figure out what's going on. I think I shall stop talking to him. I can't shake the feeling that we aren't actually friends. I have some beyond friends attraction to him but I expect that to wane as it isn't really based in anything real between the two of us. But I'm sensitive to being the patsy in a relationship-I don't want to be the one that anyone suffers just be be nice. I'd sooner remove myself than be that person. I'm sure I need to be willing to be foolish for love but since IBC is not likely to be 'the one,' I think I'm okay if I don't go out of my way to talk to him.

IBC distraction aside, it was a wonderful day. Happy Birthday to me. And my birthday twin (another subject, another time).

Fire sale

--For everyone coming to the site to check out this picture. What gives? I thought it was an awesome picture when I found it on photobucket.com but I am simply stunned at the amount of traffic coming to the site for this one picture. I welcome anyone stopping in that cares to comment on the draw of this picture and how you came to be here.

I appreciate the comments on the fire sale plans and the comments in general. It is such a treat to know that someone is even reading this. Instead of outright canceling the sale, I let the invitees know that I was considering a cancelation and that like your favorites on any elimination show, their votes would determine if the show went on as planned. I made sure it was known that a vote for 'no' would not wound me even though it kind of would so we'll see what happens.

Moving on

Got a lot on my mind tonight. I thought this time--right before the move--would be when I'd fall off the writing wagon. I surprise myself because I'm not sure who I thought I was. Anything I can use to procrastinate is fair game. With writing, I can even feel like not tackling another house project is justified.

In the 'why I am lame' department, what seemed like a good idea a month ago when I was probably in the same state of mind about future me as I was when I thought I wouldn't be writing here as much, I invited a bunch of people to my house for a 'fire sale.' It was an opportunity to get rid of wine and other stuff that wouldn't be packed and to visit with folks all at once instead of going to a dozen coffees and lunches between now and when I leave. This was/is a big deal because I don't have parties. I don't ever invite people over. I live in the boonies and I'm positive my company won't be worth the trip. But in the spirit of seizing the opportunity this move will afford me to redefine myself and get more outside of my comfort zone, I thought, 'yay! i'm going to throw a party!' and i'm not going to freak out that no one will have fun-i'll make it worth their while by giving away my possessions! YES! It's foolproof!'

So tomorrow, I think I'm going to cancel the fire sale. Several people have already given me the downcast eyes of 'I've got something I'd rather go to,' and the people who are perhaps planning to come I fear are sure to regret the trip. Okay, maybe regret is a strong word. I don't think they'll be giving each other high fives and talking about it Monday morning like everyone else really missed out. Plus I've got shit loads to do and my house is a disaster. I recognize that fear (and a dash of laziness) are the primary drivers on my reluctance to follow through. I can go to a "party" 40 minutes away where I know only one other person and likely would not have come if he hadn't made it clear that is was important to him (retrospect thinks it might have been intoxication driving the insistence that I come). But I can't ask that of other people. Because I don't want to give them an opportunity to chose something else. I've been in this house for 6 years and have had people over three times. Only one of those was an actual party, i.e., more than two people. I've actually uninvited people to my house. I have no idea why I have any friends at all.

My mother called tonight and they want to take me to dinner on the day of the fire sale. I don't really want to go to dinner and I know that is really bratty but since we are going to celebrate my birthday, I'd rather just hang out at home and watch something funny together. I don't have anywhere I'm dying to eat at on someone else's dime, and for some reason, it just doesn't feel special. It feels obligatory. Again, bratty. I know. I'm a total turd. My sick mother wants to take me to dinner and I'm stiff-arming her. I can give her a kidney but I can't humor her before I leave the state with a family meal at Outback.

I'm going to make a prediction. Saturday I will feel like shit for canceling the fire sale. I will also feel bad because I won't tell my mom because I'm not going to want to go to dinner either. Sunday I will realize I could have done both and will tack another notch on the bedpost of regret as I will have disappointed everybody, including myself. But I will get a lot of work done so that it won't all be for naught. Or I won't and will have posted prolifically about what I'm not doing.