Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Moving on

Got a lot on my mind tonight. I thought this time--right before the move--would be when I'd fall off the writing wagon. I surprise myself because I'm not sure who I thought I was. Anything I can use to procrastinate is fair game. With writing, I can even feel like not tackling another house project is justified.

In the 'why I am lame' department, what seemed like a good idea a month ago when I was probably in the same state of mind about future me as I was when I thought I wouldn't be writing here as much, I invited a bunch of people to my house for a 'fire sale.' It was an opportunity to get rid of wine and other stuff that wouldn't be packed and to visit with folks all at once instead of going to a dozen coffees and lunches between now and when I leave. This was/is a big deal because I don't have parties. I don't ever invite people over. I live in the boonies and I'm positive my company won't be worth the trip. But in the spirit of seizing the opportunity this move will afford me to redefine myself and get more outside of my comfort zone, I thought, 'yay! i'm going to throw a party!' and i'm not going to freak out that no one will have fun-i'll make it worth their while by giving away my possessions! YES! It's foolproof!'

So tomorrow, I think I'm going to cancel the fire sale. Several people have already given me the downcast eyes of 'I've got something I'd rather go to,' and the people who are perhaps planning to come I fear are sure to regret the trip. Okay, maybe regret is a strong word. I don't think they'll be giving each other high fives and talking about it Monday morning like everyone else really missed out. Plus I've got shit loads to do and my house is a disaster. I recognize that fear (and a dash of laziness) are the primary drivers on my reluctance to follow through. I can go to a "party" 40 minutes away where I know only one other person and likely would not have come if he hadn't made it clear that is was important to him (retrospect thinks it might have been intoxication driving the insistence that I come). But I can't ask that of other people. Because I don't want to give them an opportunity to chose something else. I've been in this house for 6 years and have had people over three times. Only one of those was an actual party, i.e., more than two people. I've actually uninvited people to my house. I have no idea why I have any friends at all.

My mother called tonight and they want to take me to dinner on the day of the fire sale. I don't really want to go to dinner and I know that is really bratty but since we are going to celebrate my birthday, I'd rather just hang out at home and watch something funny together. I don't have anywhere I'm dying to eat at on someone else's dime, and for some reason, it just doesn't feel special. It feels obligatory. Again, bratty. I know. I'm a total turd. My sick mother wants to take me to dinner and I'm stiff-arming her. I can give her a kidney but I can't humor her before I leave the state with a family meal at Outback.

I'm going to make a prediction. Saturday I will feel like shit for canceling the fire sale. I will also feel bad because I won't tell my mom because I'm not going to want to go to dinner either. Sunday I will realize I could have done both and will tack another notch on the bedpost of regret as I will have disappointed everybody, including myself. But I will get a lot of work done so that it won't all be for naught. Or I won't and will have posted prolifically about what I'm not doing.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

DON'T CANCEL. PEOPLE WANT TO HANG OUT WITH YOU. LET THEM. Don't let them bring a bag to work for a slumber party and then disappoint them. If only two people show up, that's two lunches you've taken care of and those two people chose to make the trip to hang with you. The double cut pork chop at Outback rocks! Get the peanut butter pie and make all those leo naysayers eat their words. Love you leo. P.S. Ninja 4 eva